The Heat 2: Electric Boogaloo

The Heat 2

Holy smokes, there’re heaters attached to this tent! Someone finally complained to the folks at KBR about the temperature of our tent at night and in the morning, and its deleterious effects on our oral hygiene as a result of all the water being frozen solid when we wake up.

KBR balked at the prospect of just turning the heat on, that would be irresponsible as the heaters produce enough carbon monoxide to kill all of us in our sleep. Instead, they needed to test out the system and make sure they weren’t going to off a bunch of American soldiers, contractors and members of the media. The investigation consisted of turning the heat on all day long, pushing the already steamy daytime temperatures up close to 100 and placing CO detectors throughout the tent.

When it was time for bed on that first heated night, I thought I’d won the lottery. I took off my faux fur blanket and stuffed it in a laundry bag to make a proper pillow before settling on top of my sleeping bag for a warm and comfortable night.

I woke up with my eyelids frozen shut around 2 in the morning and managed to coordinate my body through the tremors to take my blanket out of the laundry bag and drape it over myself, summoning up the last vestiges of my metabolism to push my body temperature back up to something recognizable as a human average. Apparently heat is a luxury reserved for the daytime, and you’d better store up as much of it as you can before lights’ out.

In fact, I wonder if the heater is hooked up to the light switch. That would answer some questions, or maybe the thermostat is wired backwards. That would conform to my theory that they’re blasting air conditioning in here at night.