Notes on Food

The Boardwalk
I was surprised to find a mall when I got here. Right in the middle of all of this chaos, there is a large square surrounded on all sides by a wooden boardwalk and lined with shops and restaurants. Sure, the shops and restaurants are all inside carved-up shipping containers, but that doesn’t change the fact that they sell trinkets, rugs and American fast food. There’s a Burger King, a Subway, a Pizza Hut, and two—yes, two—coffee shops: a Tim Horton’s and a Green Beans. So far I’m partial to Green Beans, but I may have to start going to Tim Horton’s to pay back some of the Air Force folks who have been buying the majority of the coffee lately.

My first dinner on post came from Burger King because I had yet to get a meal card which would allow me to eat in the mess halls. My chicken sandwich tasted pretty familiar, maybe a little too much mayonnaise slathered on it, but a reasonable approximation of home. The fries, on the other hand, were spot on.

The other night I decided to see what Pizza Hut could offer, and got a Personal Pan Pepperoni, Cheese Sticks and a Coke for $9. I really wanted to compare it to the Pizza Hut I had in Kuwait, which was a pale shadow of its American counterpart. I have to say, in spite of the fact that it’s apparently impossible to get a true pork product in this country and all the pepperoni is beef-based, the Afghanistan Pizza Hut is not bad. I’ll never order the cheese sticks again, but I’ll sure as hell go back for a cheese pizza.

Niagara DFAC
This is where I have taken the majority of my meals so far. Upon my arrival, I heard it referred to as the North American dining facility, which isn’t the same thing as saying the American dining facility. This is in no way more evident than in the bacon. At breakfast they offer “Canadian Bacon” and “European bacon.” An American dining facility would more likely offer “Just Bacon.”

The first day I had breakfast at Niagara, I got a burrito. I ate about half of it before deciding that I could do better. Since then, I’ve tried everything from powdered eggs to powdered milk, and I’ve at last settled on the very best meal Niagara has to offer for breakfast: the burritos. That said, I see some potential in the short order grill. I’ve already gotten a ham, onion and egg scramble. It seems the ham was my downfall. All of the meat here has the potential to taste a little skunky, even the salted, smoked and cured kind. But I'm going to hit up the grill again in the future.

Dinner is a bit of a mixed bag as well. One of the most satisfying meals I’ve had so far was a hamburger and fries, again off the grill. It was nice just to have a familiar favorite that is hard to mess up.

Friday night on post is steak night. This sounded pretty exciting after sweet and sour vegetable night and undercooked beef sausage night. So it was with great anticipation that I went to Niagara for steak night. We were treated with some thin-sliced sirloin, green beans, buttered potatoes, tomato soup and chocolate pudding—really a fine meal on paper (plates). But, once again I was foiled by the aged-foreign-beef dilemma. Yes, it is by definition steak, and it was much improved by healthy dollop of A1, but I must say it didn’t live up to its promise.

However, I’m assured that miracles are beheld at the American DFAC on Friday nights. And this will be investigated in the future.

Update: I finally visit the American DFAC!!! Details below...

Cambridge DFAC
The British have their own dining facility on KAF, and it is consistently the best thing available. It’s pretty close to where we work, so we walk down there for lunch most days and are greeted with any number of combinations of meat and pie (lamb and vegetable pie, shepard's pie, cottage pie, chicken pot pie, etc., etc), and a host of desserts which are all referred to as “pudding.”

Most of the DFACs have banks of TVs along the walls, and while Niagara plays different sports over Armed Forces Network, Cambridge plays the BBC. I’ve seen this be news, sports, and once I’m pretty sure it was a costume drama replete with powdered wigs and pantaloons. Of course you can never hear anything, but that touch of class reaches all the way from the World Service right down into the salad bar—you can tell.

We still have yet to have dinner or breakfast here, but I’m planning on trying it sometime in the future. I know one thing: when I ate “pork sausage links” at Niagara and felt like puking, but tried a nearly identical dish at Cambridge, it was wonderful. The British aren’t really known the world over for their cuisine, but they seem to have gotten something right here in KAF.

The Mythical American DFAC: Harvest Falcon
Since we got here, we’ve heard stories about the American DFAC. Somewhere south of our tent, there is a place of unimagined treasures: ice cream and lobster tails, steak and potato bar, and all the pizza you can stomach. Surely this couldn’t be true; surely, such a flower could never bloom in the desert.

Friday night we were invited to join Army signal folks for steak night at the American DFAC. When the sun sets on KAF, the dust brings visibility down so low that you have to drive slowly to avoid running off the road or squashing pedestrians, so we made our careful way down south in the boss’s truck. As we pulled into the parking area, the dust parted to reveal the outer reaches of Shangri-La: rows and rows of refrigerated containers, crawling with kitchen staff, raiding the great hoards in order to feed the Army lining up for the feast.

The line stretched out the door for a hundred yards before we got to it, but our hosts assured us that it would go fast once it started moving. And he was right, after the doors opened it took us under 5 minutes to get inside and behold the wonders it held.

Steak and lobster tail. And not the dried up, funky boot leather they served at Niagara on Steak Night, but a tender and scrumptious sirloin smothered in onions and mushrooms. And while I was disappointed in my search for steak sauce, I found a variety of it awaited us at the table. The other DFACs just have salt and pepper waiting for you, but Harvest Falcon had A1, Heinz 57, Ketchup and hot sauce. Who knows where they get the lobster, but it looked pretty appetizing and was raved about by everyone that had it.

Next came the first buffet of sides: your choice of corn on the cob, mixed vegetables, home fries or baked potato, with a healthy dollop of gravy available "if sir requires." I was starting to feel like one plate wouldn't do it.

And holy cow, a whole buffet full of fried goodness including french fries, onion rings, hot dogs and the freedom to take anything you choose.

And what’s this? More meat? Yes. Ravioli, grilled chicken, chicken kabobs, and down there on the end: little personal pizzas.

It was as if I had died and gone to fat guy heaven. As I piled the trimmings higher and higher on my plate, someone reminded me that I will be here for three months and have ample opportunity to overindulge on Steak Night, or any other night for that matter.

I was able to limit myself to steak, baked potato, green beans, and a few onion rings on top, but man oh man, did I want one of those little pizzas… But I’ll be back, and I’ll bring my appetite.